


The Inherent Homoeroticism Of Handwritten Letters (While One Of You Is On The High Seas)

by BalthTheChaoticGood



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: (meaning this fic only consists of letters), Canon Related, Coming Out, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Episode: s05e05 Geothermal Escapism, Romance, Slow Burn, Tropes, adding tags as I go, description of violence, epistolary novel style, let me know if you want anything tagged
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:00:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25781752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalthTheChaoticGood/pseuds/BalthTheChaoticGood
Summary: Dear Troy,Since your letter has reached me we’ve talked on the phone twice, but I still decided to write a reply letter anyway because I like letters. They always have a certain significance in narratives and give an additional layer of openness and introspection that’s not easily achievable in other forms of communication.When Troy sets out for his journey around the world, him and Abed start to write letters to each other. What begins as a way for Troy to talk about his wild, pop-culture inspired, and possibly fictitious adventures on the high seas, quickly turns into a way of expressing things both of them never felt able to express before.
Relationships: Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 6
Kudos: 43





	The Inherent Homoeroticism Of Handwritten Letters (While One Of You Is On The High Seas)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic started out as a joke, an "haha it would be so cool if i wrote this" kinda thing, but now, I find myself layers deep in research about naval routes around the world, tiny islands in the Bahamas, the history of ports in Mexico and the time it takes to send letters from various places in the world to Colorado. Whoops. I usually don't like posting multi-chapter things I haven't finished writing yet because I don't always finish the stuff I write (adhd brain, you know) - so this is a warning right away: if you hate WIPs that never get completed, you might wanna close this tab. I decided on posting anyway, because I've worked so hard on this already and it might never see the light of day if I wait until it's finished, and I also hope that the comments and kudos will keep me motivated to actually get this done. 
> 
> A word of thanks to [@magical-friends](https://magical-friends.tumblr.com) who beta'd this for me and the other wonderful people that read this first chapter in its raw form and encouraged me to continue working on this fic. <3
> 
> If you're still here, thanks for not giving up on me! Here's the first chapter, enjoy! <3

February 17th, 2014

Hey buddy,

I know I said I’d call ASAP, but turns out that there’s no cell reception in the middle of the Gulf of Mexico. Pretty shitty if you ask me. Anyway, calling would be difficult right now since we got caught by LITERAL PIRATES. I know, right?! I’m still trying hard not to freak out too much about it. I mean, it’s pretty scary, they took our boat and all of our stuff and they have tons of weapons. No sabers or daggers or muskets though, mostly just guns – I don’t get that. If you were a pirate, wouldn’t you take that opportunity to get a saber? I know I would.

Anyway, the pirates locked us up and sent out a ransom demand for LeVar Burton. It’s weird, they seem to be big fans of him, so they treat him super nice — make sure he’s comfortable and all that — but they also threaten to just murder him if his family doesn’t pay. These pirates are strange, man. They were also pretty rude to me. Called me LeVar Burton’s non-celebrity sidekick and wanted to kill me right away – I took that very personally and I still haven’t forgiven them for it. Luckily, I remembered my training and demanded a parlay with the captain. Good thing we did that Pirates of the Caribbean marathon just a few weeks ago. I agree with you now: The first one is the only one that’s truly worthwhile, and the others just have a few good moments but no overall value as standalone movies.

So, the pirates led us to Captain Oropeza and man, that dude looked scary. He didn’t wear an eye patch but maybe he should’ve because his eye was completely messed up, like maybe someone had punched his eye socket so many times that the eye just exploded? Idk it was really gross. I was just glad to see him because for one, he looked like a proper pirate (he even had a knife on his belt!), and secondly, he was kinda the reason I was still alive, so I tried not to stare at him too much even though it was hard. His whole face was pretty messed up and I’m not 100% sure but I think one of his legs was missing? He was walking in a weird way and used a cane, and he might have had a prosthetic leg. 

Anyway, I tried not to stare because the crew had told me he didn’t like it – apparently, he got captured by Brazilian navy once and they did all that to him – and I also tried to think of anything to say to him that would keep me alive. Should’ve thought more about that before I demanded a parlay, but it’s really not that easy to think when someone threatens to shoot your head off and feed you to the sharks. Before I could say anything though, LeVar Burton blurted out that I’m gonna inherit a lot of money if I sail the world for a year. Which, okay. It kept me alive, but it also sucks because now, they want to keep me as part of their crew so that they can collect all that cash once the year is over! And I know what you’re thinking: Being a pirate is cool! Why wouldn’t I want to be a pirate?! But honestly? It’s not cool that they try to make me be the one who has to shoot LeVar Burton if his family doesn’t pay the ransom in time. It’s supposed to make me one of them, I think, prove my loyalties or something. Which movie was that again? I know we saw that somewhere and you said it would never work in real life because it’d make you end up loathing the people who made you do it. I have to agree now: It’s not making me like those guys more, that’s for sure.

Well. That’s where I’m at. Middle of the Gulf of Mexico, captured by pirates who want Pierce’s money and for me to shoot my biggest hero. They gave me a pen and some paper to write my will, “just in case something happens to me,” but I bribed Margarita, the pirate lady who brought me the paper, to get two extra sheets. I told her I would make sure she’d get a bit more than everyone else. She’s really nice, you know, for a pirate — she got into the whole business because her government took away her children, something about her intellectual disability and that they claim she’s not fit to take care of them. Sucks, if you ask me. I get it. She does most of the paperwork for the crew now. You know what? I think I might leave her some money after all. Maybe she can get a good lawyer to get her kids back. She reminds me a bit of Shirley tbh. Anyway, like I said, she got me two extra sheets of paper: one for this letter, one for my proper will. I gave the pirates the one that said they would get everything, like they forced me to, but I’m sending you the real one. You know I’m leaving you everything, and of course some of it goes to Annie and Shirley and Jeff and Britta. I’m not sure how I’ll get this letter or the real will to you – so if this reaches you, I might be dead. Or maybe I just found a way to escape the pirates and get safely on land somewhere. We’ll see.

No space on this paper left, just wanted to say that it’s weird doing this thing without you, man. I’m sure you would have found a great way to convince the pirates not to murder me without telling them about Pierce’s money. Tell the others hi. Troy

_Editorial note:_

_This letter has a postmark from a post office in the city of Heroica Veracruz, Mexico. The last few lines are crimped into the bottom corner of the page. Along with the letter, the envelope contains the true last will and testament of Troy Barnes as aforementioned in the letter. Its legality has yet to be ascertained since it hasn’t been notarially certified and it also contains shares of Hawthorne Wipes that are not in Mr. Barnes’ possession until the fulfillment of conditions in the last will of Pierce Hawthorne._

* * *

March 3rd, 2014

Dear Troy,

Since your letter has reached me we’ve talked on the phone twice, but I still decided to write a reply letter anyway because I like letters. They always have a certain significance in narratives and give an additional layer of openness and introspection that’s not easily achievable in other forms of communication.

I really appreciate how vividly you set the scene for me with your descriptions – especially with Captain Oropeza. He’s a great character that I will definitely use in my current work in progress, a post-ironic pirate comedy about a sailor turned pirate king that addresses the straight- and white-washing of pirates in Hollywood. Right now I'm working on making it sound a little less preachy and a little more about subverted tropes. I might also need to change Oropeza's character design a little – I think the trope of ugly and disabled villains who are set against attractive heroes is tired and overdone, and I don’t like the message it sends about disability. At least the story has a twist about the pirates being the good guys eventually – except for the part of them trying to murder the famous and beloved Hollywood actor and the handsome and kind sailor. I’ll have to work hard to make the pirates’ redemption arc believable and functioning properly – we both know how Hollywood has an issue getting redemption arcs right and I don’t want to fall into the same trap. If you don’t mind, I’d like to have a written account of the part in the story where you and LeVar Burton started working together with the pirates and they brought you back safely to land. It would help me a lot with my script. I’ll send you a copy of the current draft of it – any constructive criticism and praise is appreciated.

As for me, not much has changed. I’ve reconnected with Rachel, the coat check girl from the Sadie Hawkins dance. The timing of that might seem meaningful, but don’t worry, it has no big significance that she’s back now that you’re gone. She’s not your replacement, I promise. She does like movies though and I do need someone new to watch movies with. So that’s good. Also, I’m not talking to Britta because she spoiled _Bloodlines of Conquest_ for me, and I made a new friend, Professor Hickey, because he tied me to his cabinet. I went to see the new Kickpuncher movie the other day. It was a disappointment, honestly. The previous ones were way more fun to make fun of. Annie says hi. She says she misses you.

Abed

PS: Feel free to send more letters of your journey – I’ll save them for posterity to document your travels, future generations might be interested in such things. I’ll try to reply whenever you can give me an address.

_Editorial note:_

_The envelope from this letter was addressed to a hotel in Heroica Veracruz, allowing the assumption that Troy Barnes stayed in the Mexican port town for some time. The envelope also contains 45 pages of script for a movie titled “[Pirates of the Gulf of Mexico, First Draft]”. The script is wrinkled, appearing to have been folded and unfolded many times. It contains some handwritten notes in the margins, presumably by Troy Barnes. Most of them consist of high praise, like “cool!!!” and “is this character supposed to be me? I love him, he’s so badass!” See the attached file. Noteworthy: Only a single page in the script doesn’t contain legible notes in the margins. Next to the paragraph of Sailor Roy, hero of the story, and the pirate Farid, his love interest, kissing passionately in the middle of a naval battle against the British to the sounds of cannon fire, a few words seem to have been written down, but crossed out so thoroughly that they’re impossible to read. The meaning of this remains unknown._

* * *

March 7th, 2014

Hey Abed,

You’re right, handwritten letters are pretty neat! I think I’m gonna keep writing them. If you’re going to save them for future generations, I think I’ll have to write more properly though.

First of all, I loved your script! Would you mind if I kept it a while longer? I didn’t bring anything to read on my trip, and I don’t have much other stuff to keep me entertained either, no TV or internet on the high seas, so it gives me something to do. I can give you my comments over the phone if you want. One thing upfront though: I think the plot twist with the pirates being the good guys after all could use some work – I agree, a good redemption arc is hard, but I trust you to do it right.

Here’s how it went down for real: After a few days of being kidnapped by the pirates, I got to talking to the crew more. First to Margarita who was very nice to me from the start, and then also to the others, Hank and Frank and Kuem-song and a really old woman everyone just calls Jesus – I never learned her actual name. Who knows, maybe it’s her actual name. Jesus was the one who told me first that everyone on the ship was basically there because society treated them as outlaws, so they became outlaws. To be honest, it sounded way more profound when she said it, but I swear, it was deep. You can make that sound deep again for your script, right? It opened my eyes a little – I mean, I still hadn’t forgiven them for planning to murder me at first, but they really started to grow on me. They even stopped bugging me about killing LeVar Burton for them, and in the end, I realized that none of them actually wanted to kill anyone. They were just in desperate need for some money. Turns out being a pirate isn’t paying as well as it used to.

I talked to LeVar Burton about it and we both decided to help the pirates out with some money. Margarita needs to pay a lawyer to get her kids back, Kuem-song needs to pay for their transition and their power chair, Hank and Frank need money for their AIDS fund and Captain Oropeza just wants to be a good employer and give his pirates a living wage. It’s not like they were kidnapping us for the fun of it – they all had really good reasons, and LeVar Burton and I have more than enough money to spare (well, not me yet, but just eleven more months and I’m gonna be a rich man), so I thought, why not, you know?

After that was decided, the pirates just felt bad for keeping us hostage. It wasn’t really the same anymore, I guess, for any of us. So, Captain Oropeza gave us back our boat and gave us directions for the quickest way to Mexico. You know the rest of the story. We took Margarita with us to Heroica Veracruz and she promised to keep in touch. She’s getting that lawyer now – please don’t tell Jeff I didn’t give her his business card, he might take it personally. Also, I think she should be a character in your movie. But hey, you’re the writer/director – it’s just a thought.

Last time we talked on the phone, I wasn’t sure what would happen next. LeVar Burton is obviously still pretty shook from being kidnapped for ransom, and I wasn’t too sure about going back on a ship either. But I made a promise to myself, and to a dead guy, to finally go through with something from start to finish, you know? No matter how much I want to quit and go back home, I think I have to do this. Besides, I kinda love the ocean. There’s something special about being completely surrounded by water, the only human being around for miles. Sea miles. Whatever. Well, the only two human beings. It’s scary, but it’s also kind of calming, putting things into perspective. Not to be poetic or anything. I don’t know how to describe it. And it’s also exciting! Don’t tell anyone, but I know one day I will give into the urge to stand at the front of the boat and shout “I’m the king of the world!” – I know it’s cheesy, but I swear that’s just what it feels like.

So, the plan was to sail along the coast of South America, down to Brazil, then to cross over the Atlantic Ocean to the Ivory Coast, then we’ll see. Maybe if I can convince LeVar Burton, we can get back on our way next Monday or Tuesday. I’ll let you know either way.

Tell the study group hi, and Rachel, too. They’re not reading these, are they? I know you said you’d keep these letters for posterity, but for now, they’re just for you and me, okay? I’d feel weird if your girlfriend was reading my letters. Or Jeff, or Britta.

Okay, I don’t really know how to end letters. I haven’t really written many before. So, talk to you soon, I guess?

Troy

* * *

March 10th, 2014

Dear Troy,

I’ll make this quick, just in case you’re already packing up or on your way.

No, I’m not showing the letters to anyone else, I promise. Also, if you’re referring to Rachel as my ‘girlfriend’, I’ll have to correct you – she’s my friend, nothing else. I told you before, you don’t have to worry, she’s not your replacement. It would be pretty boring to introduce a new love interest for me the moment you left, don’t you think? Our lives deserve better writing than that.

Also, please be careful with the Titanic references while on your boat – you know it won’t end well.

Safe travels. Send me an address for your next stop if you want more letters.

Abed

_Editorial note: Judging from the “return to sender” stamp on this envelope, it is safe to assume that this letter never reached Troy Barnes._


End file.
